What a long way I have come since the beginning of the year.  I have definately said good bye to the past and kicking booty for the future.  I have gastric bypass this Friday morning and I am so excited.  I have lost lots of weight in preparation, but Im ready for this lifestyle change for the rest of my life.

Scottie had his last Friday and is doing very well.  The girls have been supportive and Alex will be staying with me in the hospital for the few days Im there.  They are so grown up and Im so proud of both of them!  I have talked them about worse case scenarios and they are as prepared as they can be.

Im over the past.  People who dont love me, dont deserve a second of my time.  We had memories and blah, blah, blah but Im done with the pity party and Im sure they still love me BULLCRAP!  If they love me, they would be in my life and they arent so... deuces.  I have a very rich life with great family and friends!  The best I have ever had honestly and there isnt a snowballs chance in heckadoodie I would EVER go back to that lifestyle I had once upon a time.

Its funny how time really does change so much! Time and love, REAL love from friends and family to show you how misguided you once were at one point.  Im not bitter, Im just done!  Life is too precious and Im moving forward! 

Here is to seeing SOME of you on the other side of Friday... and those I dont see anymore... have a great life and be happy!

"We were home. How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."

Cant say anyymore.... that pretty much that takes care of it....  

What a time here lately.  Gyms, swimming, hot tubs and healthy in preparation for the next step. My grandaughter turned one and the clock is still ticking.  Been a nonsmoker for a while and loving it.  I would have done it a long time ago if I would have known it was this great.  I guess Im so damned hard-headed, I had to make it happen on my own time.  Scottie quit too and he has been doing very well. 

Work has been good- the new job, but Ive been there 6 months, so Im not sure if its still considered a NEW job, but it is, what it is.  I love the people I work with on a daily basis.  They are awesome.  Its odd though to be one of the oldest instead of the youngest though... lol

My daughters are growing up so well.  Im so proud of Amanda and Alex.  Jessica too!  Even though they are grown, they are always part of me and I am always thinking and praying for them. Praying that they will do the right thing, that the DO and not TRY and that they turn to God in their weakest points.  I love them so.... and always will.

What a time here lately.  Gyms, swimming, hot tubs and healthy in preparation for the next step. My grandaughter turned one and the clock is still ticking.  Been a nonsmoker for a while and loving it.  I would have done it a long time ago if I would have known it was this great.  I guess Im so damned hard-headed, I had to make it happen on my own time.  Scottie quit too and he has been doing very well. 

Work has been good- the new job, but Ive been there 6 months, so Im not sure if its still considered a NEW job, but it is, what it is.  I love the people I work with on a daily basis.  They are awesome.  Its odd though to be one of the oldest instead of the youngest though... lol

My daughters are growing up so well.  Im so proud of Amanda and Alex.  Jessica too!  Even though they are grown, they are always part of me and I am always thinking and praying for them. Praying that they will do the right thing, that the DO and not TRY and that they turn to God in their weakest points.  I love them so.... and always will.

Five days with no smoking. Scottie started Chantix about 2 wees ago so when he hit his date to stop smoking, I stopped too.  Just stopped, no drugs or pills.  I needed to feel in control of something and I feel in control of this.  Today was the worst day by far as far as "wanting" a cigartette.  I just exercised until I lost the urge.  For the first time in years I feel in control of my life.  I didnt really do it for Scottie or anyone else -- I did it for me.  I needed to be in control of my life and the first step was to stop smoking.  I actually feel great since I have stopped and I feel a little like the old me. 

So, Friday Im going to get a notebook so that I can begin my food diary.  I caan no longer blame any one or any "situation" on my health.  I must own it and be responsible for my own health.  I want to live a long time and be healthy.  I feel hope for the first time and know that I can own my health to a certain extent.  So, no more smoking.  I feel great, breathing better and learning to deal with the stress or other events in other ways.  Walking, deep breathing, small mental time outs... working great.  Ive only eaten unhealthy foods twice since I stopped.  I dont want replace one bad habit with another.  I have too many hills to climb.   Just please Lord, let my knees stay pain free during this time!

Deuces and Smiles

The plans are in place for the surgery, so I have goal.  I feel refreshed having a goal I can own and work towards.  I felt pretty confident today and am ready to stop the bad habits and make the next 4o years something awesome... better than the previous 40, thats for sure. 

I found myself feeling stronger today.  Like the me that used to exist... Im lighting my own internal fire and I like the way it feels.  I guess we will see, huh?

2010 - never thought I would make it this far in life.  I really didnt, especially after 2000.  Its been 10 years and in so many ways I have overcome so far and in so many ways, I havent.  I am here though and I have such wonderful memories and love the past 10 years.  Life hasnt been easy, but I guess it never really is easy. That is a fantasy that really doesnt exist, but Im ok with the joy that I do experience.

Im ready for the next step in my life... me.  My health, my life, are all mine now.  This year, I am reclaiming them.  Its the decade of taking care of myself and Im ok with that for now.  Focusing on my health is a good thing to do at this point.  Focusing on my future... its all wonderful! 

The older I get the more I care about others or at least I have deeper feelings for others.  Im not sure that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I definately have them.  It makes me feel vunerable for the most part, which I can not stand. 

Analytically I could break it into the social needs of middle aged people, social pressures, denial, need for stability in interpersonal relationship and blah, blah, blah... but Im not.  I actuallly enjoy it to some extent, although it scares the crap out of me.  Im in for it and will embrace this chapter in my life as long as possible.  Even though I havent had the most rewarding, long term friendships/relationships, I wont give up now and I will maintain and improve what I have in my life.  I have the best family and friends.  How I made it without these people is beyond me.  They make me smile and laugh; I have cried with them and laughed until my side hurt.... love 'EM all!

Later today, we are celebrating Amandas birthday.  I am pretty excited.  I love her so much... and my Alex too!  I have to run around alot tomorrow, which is why I essentially laid in bed the entire day today... lol! Literally.  I kind of felt like a bum, but I quickly got over that feeling.  I worked nine days straight to get these two days off, so I needed it badly. 

Today, I didnt over indulge myself in news or education topics.  I had a dumb day where I played games and watched facebook.  Some days, I just dont have me to give a crap about the world.  Today was about me and its a wonderful thing.  I did eventually get up shower, do a few things around the house, but nothing big.  Now, I find that Im having problems getting sleepy.  I took two pms and should be asleep soon, but wanted to write something, no matter how discombobulated it ended up... and it has... oh well, until next time.  Chao